Just Your Commando Status, Sir
by Zira Thirteen
Summary: They learned two valuable lessons that day. You should watch what you say around Luna, and Professor Snape enjoys his freedom.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters.

AN: If anything is confusing, then I apologize. I wrote this story as a sort of joke, but then people liked it. If you spot any mistakes, feel free to point them out and I'll do my best to correct them. Reviews are appreciated, but don't feel to pressured to throw something down.

Thank you all for reading this!  


* * *

Harry stared dejectedly at the blank piece of parchment in front of him. The high raftered ceiling of the Great Hall reflected the hard downpour that was happening outside. Because of the foul weather, Hermione had suggested they all work on their upcoming assignments.

They had started in the Gryffindor common room, but after Harry and Ron fell asleep for the second time on the cozy couches, Hermione had resolved that they would all head down to the Great Hall. Harry and Ron were succeeding in staying awake, but they were not getting anywhere with their work.

Setting down his transfiguration paper, Harry decided to work on potions. He thought it would be best to go ahead and get it out of the way. Harry read the essay prompt again. 'What are some of the other possible ingredients that one could use instead of Begonia tessaricarpa stems while making a stomach settling draught?'

Harry stared at the question. He didn't even know what Begonia tessaricarpa even _was_, much less what you could substitute it with.

"Stupid Snape, always coming up with stupid assignments," Harry muttered.

Ron snorted in agreement.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "You only say that because you two don't know what in the world you have to write about."

Ron was glaring at his feeble attempts at the essay. "Who would? I bet no one even knows what this plant _is_."

"Anyone who was paying attention in class yesterday would," Hermione snapped.

"Well, not all of us like staring at a big gloomy bat all class period. I swear, Snape probably doesn't own any other color besides black," Ron continued to rant. "I bet even death is cheerier than our bloody potions professor! I mean, have you ever seen the man smile? No, all he does is sneer and smirk. He probably only has two facial expressions."

Ron paused. "Well, he might have four if you count lifting an eyebrow as an expression."

Harry grinned. "I bet he only sees in three colors: black, silver, and green."

"Why do you think he never wears Slytherin colors?" Ron asked, leaning on his elbows. "Isn't he supposed to be the head of house?"

Harry shrugged. "Maybe he looks fat in other colors. Black is slimming."

At that moment, Harry glimpsed Luna entering the Great Hall and heading towards them. She waved and Harry returned the gesture. Ron smiled as she reached the table. The two boys went back to their discussion as Luna handed Hermione three issues of the latest _Quibbler_.

"I bet he even wears black underpants!" Ron exclaimed. Harry was about to answer when Luna unexpectedly piped, "I disagree, Ron."

The three Gryffindors looked at her with mixed expressions of surprise and confusion. The Ravenclaw did not seem to notice and continued on in a serene tone of voice. "I don't think he wears underwear."

Harry made a choking noise and Ron turned a pale shade of green. Hermione merely looked startled as she asked the question that was on everyone's mind.

"What makes you say that, Luna?"

Luna stooped down to inspect Ron's new skin color. He edged back warily. She was probably associating it with a sort of pimply fungus or another odd thing, so it took her a moment to answer.

"It's something about the way he walks ─ I've never seen him indicate in any way that he wears underwear."

Harry opened his mouth to ask what kind of body language indicated a person wore underwear and how she even knew these signs, but closed it again. This was Luna.

Luna straightened up and continued talking. "Now that I think about it, I don't suppose Headmaster Dumbledore does either."

As soon as those words left Luna's mouth, a low voice asked, "And just what is it that our headmaster does not do?"

Ron gaped at the inopportune appearance of Snape before turning a deeper shade of green. Harry looked faint, and Hermione was startled anew. Luna, however, was unfazed as she answered the potions professor.

"He doesn't do the same thing that _you_ don't."

Snape lifted an eyebrow and was about to ask the Ravenclaw to elaborate when he noticed Harry's expression.

Snape turned towards the boy. "Potter, as much as I would love to see you faint, I do not desire the paperwork it entails." He leaned forward and narrowed his eyes. "What is wrong with you and Mister Weasley?"

Harry opened and closed his mouth but found he was unable to reply. Luna took it upon herself to answer for him. "I think their conditions are a direct result of our conversation."

The potions teacher seemed slightly agitated by this answer and asked, "Pray tell, what _were_ the four of you talking about?"

Luna looked Snape straight in the eye and answered, "Just your commando status, sir."


End file.
